Hey there! Lately I have been thinking a lot about that little phrase we tell ourselves at some points in our lives: “If I only knew then what I know now…” followed by a deep sigh. The almost now classic answer tends to be that we would not mind other people’s business so much, things would be better, one would have made better choices, we would have stayed in school non-stop and had 3 majors, one would have done things very differently, in other words, one would be rocking this earth and our wisdom would be known through the ages.
Mmmmmm…but I don’t know. I don’t see how I would so easily dismiss any of the choices I have made by either want or need. To see it better, I tell myself: “If I were to remember now what I knew then….”, and try to finish that sentence honestly.
You see? As a kid I had to mind other people’s business because I had to worry about what those people were doing and thinking. People around me were not trustworthy. I had to stand out enough to be somewhat taken care of, but not so much that I would become somebody’s new target. I had to learn to detach emotionally from people as quickly as a light switch kills the light because I could not handle any more scars in my already battered soul.
You know what? It took me 16 YEARS (on and off) to finish college. I’ve had more majors than friends (and I used to be a social butterfly.) I bet some people might think I must have struggled with the process, but the truth is that, in between classes, Universities, and colleges, I have had a pretty full life. I found friendships that have lasted a lifetime. I had late nights of music, smart-ass talk, and cheap beers followed by endless days of making significant deals with God. I made horrible choices and experienced immense trauma. I also fell in love, had a child, and finally began to experience what it’s like to feel loved and safe. I am sure that knowing then some of the consequences of my actions, I might have changed some things, but accepting now what I knew then, I have to say I am pretty surprised and proud that I made it this far in one piece (even if my mind goes off on its own every now and then.)
How little credit would I give myself if I always knew what I would know to be the best in hindsight! How many steps forwards would I miss taking if I didn’t have to learn the difference between regretting and accepting things as they happened! I have so much more to learn, but one thing I HAVE learned is that by being honest when I judge myself as well as when I judge/read other is how I can determine if I feel and am safe or if I need to walk away. My gut feeling and I have become very good friends. But all this is what I know now. Perhaps it is not what I will know to be the best 20-30 years from now, and that’s ok. It’s still the best I know now *deep sigh*.
