What I knew then

Hey there! Lately I have been thinking a lot about that little phrase we tell ourselves at some points in our lives: “If I only knew then what I know now…” followed by a deep sigh. The almost now classic answer tends to be that we would not mind other people’s business so much, things would be better, one would have made better choices, we would have stayed in school non-stop and had 3 majors, one would have done things very differently, in other words, one would be rocking this earth and our wisdom would be known through the ages.

Mmmmmm…but I don’t know. I don’t see how I would so easily dismiss any of the choices I have made by either want or need. To see it better, I tell myself: “If I were to remember now what I knew then….”, and try to finish that sentence honestly.

You see? As a kid I had to mind other people’s business because I had to worry about what those people were doing and thinking. People around me were not trustworthy. I had to stand out enough to be somewhat taken care of, but not so much that I would become somebody’s new target. I had to learn to detach emotionally from people as quickly as a light switch kills the light because I could not handle any more scars in my already battered soul.

You know what? It took me 16 YEARS (on and off) to finish college. I’ve had more majors than friends (and I used to be a social butterfly.) I bet some people might think I must have struggled with the process, but the truth is that, in between classes, Universities, and colleges, I have had a pretty full life. I found friendships that have lasted a lifetime. I had late nights of music, smart-ass talk, and cheap beers followed by endless days of making significant deals with God. I made horrible choices and experienced immense trauma. I also fell in love, had a child, and finally began to experience what it’s like to feel loved and safe. I am sure that knowing then some of the consequences of my actions, I might have changed some things, but accepting now what I knew then, I have to say I am pretty surprised and proud that I made it this far in one piece (even if my mind goes off on its own every now and then.)

How little credit would I give myself if I always knew what I would know to be the best in hindsight! How many steps forwards would I miss taking if I didn’t have to learn the difference between regretting and accepting things as they happened! I have so much more to learn, but one thing I HAVE learned is that by being honest when I judge myself as well as when I judge/read other is how I can determine if I feel and am safe or if I need to walk away. My gut feeling and I have become very good friends. But all this is what I know now. Perhaps it is not what I will know to be the best 20-30 years from now, and that’s ok. It’s still the best I know now *deep sigh*.

Activity challenge Book 2 – (at about half): Inheritance: It was hers from the beginning. By Thomas Wymark.

Setting:

Very comfy, chatting at the local cafe spot, enjoying some iced fresh-fruit drinks after you tell your friend: “Oh, isn’t is too warm for April right now to drink hot coffee?!” and then having to give her an apologetic look because you two SWORE to never be the kind of friends that would dress-up judgment with weather talk. You can talk about what you are wearing and what you are drinking, but not why because that just calls for judgment, or so you both said the first year of college (30 years ago?) Besides, you NEVA’ forsake un cafecito even if offered in hell (in that case you just order it ‘frappe to go, gracias.‘) You know she gave you THE look. You raised an eyebrow, muttered something about “30 years should earn me a freaking medal” and you two get a real laugh, a good spot, and a pb&j you saved from lunch.

Here we go…

“And here is the reason I don’t read many thrillers or suspense, and God am I happy it is not a horror novel! I am completely freaking out with this book [half-manicured finger pointed at table] and I just want to know what happens before I keep reading, except that for the very first time in my life I want to be shocked by what is causing all these mysterious things to happen! [by now out of air after this sentence]

Will not spoil if for you, nena, but this woman is the most sane crazy I have known [left index finger pointed up with authority]. I’ve tried reading her with a light and airy voice, but I still was nervous. It was too creepy [fingers moving like shaking off ghosts]. I used a smartass, sarcastic tone to what she was saying and, while I got a really good, very short, [suddenly lower volume for the rest of the sentence] rather inappropriate chuckle at her sudden need to slam her innocent loving children against the wall , there is still this creepy air floating about this otherwise absolutely non-DSM V woman. [I am slowly shaking my head “no” here]. I am using an e-reader and it tells me I am about 57% done. I am DYING [eyes popping]. I am either going to have nightmares or be very disappointed, but the suspense alone right now is worth the reading. [look on my face says nothing can be done].

Of course, a million possible plots come to mind. Some are very obvious and some have me wondering about following a line of work as a P.I. [wink]. In any case mi’ja, I need to get through this book because it is driving me insane. HA! ‘Insane.’ That’s funny.”

photography:https://www.flickr.com/photos/adriennekat/with/5616787669/

Activity challenge – Book 1

I decided to start the challenge with the book The Rum Diaries by Hunter S. Thompson. I did not see the movie (a plus, I think, when reading the book), but did hear the location was Puerto Rico, so I broke out a cold container of coconut water, put on my rose-colored sunshades, and dove in. Now, it takes me a bit longer to get through a book in English than it does in Spanish. First, even though I have been reading in English for over 25 years, I still feel hesitant to read too quickly and miss something. Also, I really like to take in each word and see how it fits in the sentence and if it triggers anything in my mind. With that said, and reminding you that I am NOT a professional literary critic, just a regular reader, I will say I REALLY struggled with it. If I would have played the “shot game” for every time the main character said “those Puerto Ricans” like he was smelling gutted fish, I would have been drunk by the third page. The description of the heat and the drinking is so raw that I found myself wanting to take showers to prevent a hangover. If the writer was going for a gag-reflex, he got it. To me it read slow, drunk, depressed, unfulfilled, and hopeless. I had to read a few reviews because I could have sworn I was missing something. Why was this book published? North American men go to P.R. to work in a newspaper, drink all the time; seem to feel Puerto Ricans were beneath them; get in trouble with the law (but of course it was mainly because the Ricans lied); and at the end (almost very end) two of them seem to get away with murder. Not much energy seems to go into it. The whole thing is a drunken haze, and ah! The one female character gets drugged and raped by the natives but gets blamed for it by her male “friends” who quickly give her the ol’ brush-off. I keep reading reviews of “fast paced” and “action”, and to tell you the truth, I did not see that at all. The narrator seems more of a loner than anything else, and no close relationships seem to build. No lasting memories made, not even for the rape victim due to having been drugged. When towards the end the narrator starts looking back on the “good old days” I had to go back in the book to try to find those days. Never found them. I had the impression that these newsmen were more like parasites praying on the rum and burger resources of the island before being forced to look someplace else for survival. I am so glad that book is over I could throw a dry party.

My next book in the challenge will be Inheritance: It was hers from the beginning. By Thomas Wymark. This book will fulfill the requirement for Horror reading. The book is described as a “psychological mystery and suspense thriller” which in my head means horror maybe because to have a mystery connected to psychology, we must be talking about some twisted characters. The words “suspense” does not paint a pretty picture to me (I like to know the end of a movie before I watch it) so this is the closest I can get to it so far. I am hoping for no explicit scenes. I read Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn and truth be told I had to take a break from reading for a bit. There was too much in terms of imagery in my head by the time I was done and could not shake it off. Then I thought The Girl with All the Gifts by M.R. Carey would be a lighter read, but I still feel some apprehension when walking near a group of kids. Kidding (maybe.)

So, why this book next? Well, I just looked at the first page to see if it grabbed me. It did. How can anyone resist the alluring call of the sirens when the first short paragraph starts with: “I had never been a violent woman.” And ends with: “But things can change.” (Thomas Wymark, Inheratance, Chapter 1.)

Diving in, not knowing what to expect. Don’t know of anyone who has read it and will wait until I am done before looking up some reviews, possibly from Goodreads.com (not a paid announcement, I just really like the resource.)

See you on the other side of the book. Hopefully soon and hopefully very happy.

(Picture credit: Martino Sabia: Lonely reading woman – Woman reading a notebook in Alfama, Lisbon – Portugal. https://www.flickr.com/photos/ezu/42764498/in/photolist-4MboW-VnfpV-e92zvw-dpxAqr-p9sYQs-oT52Qi-83D5Wc-cQkUMy-bW9kQY-pGNG3J-nLF13Z-7jPE4e-ndqdEY-jEv4AU-fuFqK9-aYYfSZ-9vrfYu-foWRWM-997LWw-3NLbqi-foWS2X-5wGVSw-S7ose-aGuZUv-bNMo8p-iz6bDK-5FRRpp-p4fryt-dTQkzA-6G35Ye-8frakk-qD5hY8-fzeEsM-jZLDGH-oBqaJq-9PFvS2-f5CTgQ-8Qh5fa-S7oaZ-oMww45-g2k9c3-dQRc2x-hjUnTq-fJ9J7R-7DgP25-q4rfVF-dux698-PoU2A-pBhSa7-7euof) Some Rights Reserved.

How to completely fail at carpe diem

1) Wake up several times during the night because you think maybe the alarm didn’t go off.
2) Forget to take your vitamins because, while rinsing out the cup for water, you remembered that you should only do laundry with cold water and by the way… there is a load in the washing machine that needs to dry and you can start another load now!
3) Write down EXACTLY what you need to buy and what has to be done when you leave the house so you only need to go out once.
4) Leave the list home. Somewhere.
5) Run around the supermarket looking like your motto should be “catch me if you can.”
6) Go back home, run into the house and spend and hour looking for the damn list.
7) After the hour is gone, and the list is nowhere to be found, agree to go with your child to practice his driving skills.
8) See the grocery bag in the back of the car just as you are about to enter the car.
9) Exactly at that moment, remember you also bought ice cream.
10) After running back and forth from the car to the refrigerator, flapping your VERY expressive arms like a penguin who wished she could fly, make up your mind to breathe and really enjoy this time with your son. He will be leaving soon to college and these moments are precious.
11) As soon as you hit the passenger seat, chug your VERY LARGE size caffeine drink in one shot and start chatting away like you are back with your bff 30 years ago, woohooing like a groupie while talking about all the things you plan to do now that your life is about to change, one of them being working on your memory because who needs that thing (“whatchamacallit”) that you forgot earlier.
12) Notice that your kid is parking the car, look at the car clock and notice it has been 25 minutes since the practice-drive started and see how your son calmly walks towards the house looking very happy after a job well-done.
Take a minute to realize the day is almost gone, you missed your only child driving like a boss, and you have no real ice cream to celebrate today.