Month: April 2016

A “How-To” untouched.

My Maker is like a beautiful but broken marble. Every so often I would forget. I’d take hold of my elaborate-colored marble and I’d want to play with her. I’d hold on tight (with my hands, with my all the strength of my hungry need) to make sure it wouldn’t  slip through my fingers while I ran around the world showing my marble all the things that were almost as beautiful and brilliant as she was. I’d laugh just thinking how happy this would’ve , could’ve , (should’ve?) made my marble! How proud she would be that she was finally being recognized and praised for what she was! I would rejoice. Well, I almost did. I always forgot myself and, alas, would realize in a sudden pang of pain that I had again come close, way too close, looking for warmth. Tried to hold on too tight. Once again, I had forgotten  my marble was broken and its jagged edges had sliced open scars that had almost healed, and fresh new liquid pain poured  down my fingers, down my hands to my elbows; and I’d see how it started to cover my body like a strong rain covers a flower: brutally. Despiadada. Drops like darts to the petals. And like the flower I’d  stand there just accepting the slashes from every falling drop that burned my legs.  The goddamned reminder of a robbed childhood. That blood. All of that shameful reminder of what caused the earth to tremble and my beautiful marble to finally shatter right where the cracks were showing. Now broken. Useless. Dangerous. Still very much needed and wanted.

Marble.

Maker.

Whether she was showing her true colors or sharpening her edges it was a sight to see. I heard it all the time. It just was not the experience from my seat. We were not all watching the channel.

photography:https://www.flickr.com/photos/maggyver/

What I knew then

Hey there! Lately I have been thinking a lot about that little phrase we tell ourselves at some points in our lives: “If I only knew then what I know now…” followed by a deep sigh. The almost now classic answer tends to be that we would not mind other people’s business so much, things would be better, one would have made better choices, we would have stayed in school non-stop and had 3 majors, one would have done things very differently, in other words, one would be rocking this earth and our wisdom would be known through the ages.

Mmmmmm…but I don’t know. I don’t see how I would so easily dismiss any of the choices I have made by either want or need. To see it better, I tell myself: “If I were to remember now what I knew then….”, and try to finish that sentence honestly.

You see? As a kid I had to mind other people’s business because I had to worry about what those people were doing and thinking. People around me were not trustworthy. I had to stand out enough to be somewhat taken care of, but not so much that I would become somebody’s new target. I had to learn to detach emotionally from people as quickly as a light switch kills the light because I could not handle any more scars in my already battered soul.

You know what? It took me 16 YEARS (on and off) to finish college. I’ve had more majors than friends (and I used to be a social butterfly.) I bet some people might think I must have struggled with the process, but the truth is that, in between classes, Universities, and colleges, I have had a pretty full life. I found friendships that have lasted a lifetime. I had late nights of music, smart-ass talk, and cheap beers followed by endless days of making significant deals with God. I made horrible choices and experienced immense trauma. I also fell in love, had a child, and finally began to experience what it’s like to feel loved and safe. I am sure that knowing then some of the consequences of my actions, I might have changed some things, but accepting now what I knew then, I have to say I am pretty surprised and proud that I made it this far in one piece (even if my mind goes off on its own every now and then.)

How little credit would I give myself if I always knew what I would know to be the best in hindsight! How many steps forwards would I miss taking if I didn’t have to learn the difference between regretting and accepting things as they happened! I have so much more to learn, but one thing I HAVE learned is that by being honest when I judge myself as well as when I judge/read other is how I can determine if I feel and am safe or if I need to walk away. My gut feeling and I have become very good friends. But all this is what I know now. Perhaps it is not what I will know to be the best 20-30 years from now, and that’s ok. It’s still the best I know now *deep sigh*.

Activity challenge Book 2 – (at about half): Inheritance: It was hers from the beginning. By Thomas Wymark.

Setting:

Very comfy, chatting at the local cafe spot, enjoying some iced fresh-fruit drinks after you tell your friend: “Oh, isn’t is too warm for April right now to drink hot coffee?!” and then having to give her an apologetic look because you two SWORE to never be the kind of friends that would dress-up judgment with weather talk. You can talk about what you are wearing and what you are drinking, but not why because that just calls for judgment, or so you both said the first year of college (30 years ago?) Besides, you NEVA’ forsake un cafecito even if offered in hell (in that case you just order it ‘frappe to go, gracias.‘) You know she gave you THE look. You raised an eyebrow, muttered something about “30 years should earn me a freaking medal” and you two get a real laugh, a good spot, and a pb&j you saved from lunch.

Here we go…

“And here is the reason I don’t read many thrillers or suspense, and God am I happy it is not a horror novel! I am completely freaking out with this book [half-manicured finger pointed at table] and I just want to know what happens before I keep reading, except that for the very first time in my life I want to be shocked by what is causing all these mysterious things to happen! [by now out of air after this sentence]

Will not spoil if for you, nena, but this woman is the most sane crazy I have known [left index finger pointed up with authority]. I’ve tried reading her with a light and airy voice, but I still was nervous. It was too creepy [fingers moving like shaking off ghosts]. I used a smartass, sarcastic tone to what she was saying and, while I got a really good, very short, [suddenly lower volume for the rest of the sentence] rather inappropriate chuckle at her sudden need to slam her innocent loving children against the wall , there is still this creepy air floating about this otherwise absolutely non-DSM V woman. [I am slowly shaking my head “no” here]. I am using an e-reader and it tells me I am about 57% done. I am DYING [eyes popping]. I am either going to have nightmares or be very disappointed, but the suspense alone right now is worth the reading. [look on my face says nothing can be done].

Of course, a million possible plots come to mind. Some are very obvious and some have me wondering about following a line of work as a P.I. [wink]. In any case mi’ja, I need to get through this book because it is driving me insane. HA! ‘Insane.’ That’s funny.”

photography:https://www.flickr.com/photos/adriennekat/with/5616787669/